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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 11, 2012 1:30am-2:00am PDT

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captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, our educational problems have new answers which we copied off the chinese kid in front of us. ( laughter ) them our nation's highways are in trouble. someone must have told them they were adopted. ( laughter ). plus my guest naomi wolf has a new book called "vagina." now i'm no english major but i detect a subtle sexual subtex. ( laughter ). the new york aquarium has a new baby walrus-- great, another brooklyn hipster with a
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ridiculous mustache. ( laughter ). this is the "colbert report." ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: awfully nice. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report, good to have you with us. ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen, it is kind of that time of year to ask the question is this not--
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( cheers and applause ) , please, please. ladies and gentlemen, we could power my whole village if we could just put some jumper cables on your nipples right now and it's chilly enough to do so in this room. folks, isn't this a great campaign? ♪ everything's coming up romney ♪ the latest polls have romney neck and neck with obama. folks, this race is as tight as mitt's smile when he meets a poor person. ( laughter ) ( laughter ) unfortunately, unfortunately, folks, there's still one poll out there that gives paum a chance. >> 7-eleven stores are giving voice to the people by offering a choice of coffee cubs in obama blue or romney red. the company says the votes people cast nationally can be used as valuable polling data. >> stephen: yes. in 7-eleven's cup hole, right now, obama is up by 20 points
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( cheers and applause ) no, folks, wait a second. are we sure they're not using four--year-old data? because i'm pretty sure they're using four-year-old hot dogs. what is terrifying about this is the 7-eleven cup poll is uncharacterly accurate. >> did you know this promotion actually lined up perfectly with the results of a 2004 and 2008 elections? >> stephen: and who can forget in 2010 when they accurately predicted the election of senator shrek? ( laughter ) nation, i call bias on 7-eleven. their entire poll has a margin of error of plus or minus mormons can't drink coffee. and you know what else is going on here? you know what else is going on here, folks? voter fraud. oh, yeah. why else would anyone drink 7-eleven coffee? folks, we must require voter
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i.d. before anyone can buy a cup of joe. i am sure 7-eleven will be just as rigorous about checking i.d. for cups as they are for beer and cigarettes. but ultimately, beverage-based polling, i believe, demeans our political process. thankfully, next week, there's another presidential debate. it's a town hall format which means average citizens will have a once-in-a-lifetime chance to ask the most powerful men in the world about the most vital issues facing our nation. or about something else ( laughter ) >> pizza hut is going to be giving free pizza for life to any customer who asks president obama or mitt romney if they prefer sausage or pepperoni pizza at the upcoming debate. >> stephen: that's right. whoever uses their brief time at the national mic to ask the candidates, sausage or pepperoni, will receive free pita hut pizza for life. and just to be clear, that's
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meant to be a reward. ( laughter ) ( applause ) because it's delicious ( cheers and applause ) i love it. i eat it. i eat it all the time. and so should you. now, folks they say for life, but the questioner will actually receive the equivalent of one free pizza per week for 30 years. which i think is pita hut's way of saying if you eat one of their pizzas every week, you will die in 30 years. ( applause ) so just what motivated-- just what motivated pizza hut to get off the couch and get involved in our political process? well, according to the company's c.m.o., which i hope stands for chief mozzarella officer, we recognize that there are a lot of serious issues to be debated, but we also know a lot less serious but no-less-important ones are being discussed every night inside houses across the
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country. true. issues like what the ( bleep ) has happened to american democracy? ( laughter ) folks, i love this. what could be more american than using our electoral process for product placement? i mean, mitt romney is already sponsored by coke. ( laughter ) ( applause ) nation, it's no secret that america's schools are falling behind. they rank 31st in math behind south korea, estonia, and luxembourg, which would really hurt their feel ftion they weren't also behind in geography. and it is particularly hard for children in poor communitys. according to a recent study, black children living in disadvantaged neighborhoods fall behind the equivalent of one year of schooling simply because of where they live. i can relate. i had to repeat sophomore year at dartmouth, just because i lived in east wheelock with mad
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matty b., choad expat nacho king. there were times we could barely afford to put schit on the fooz ball table. our public schools lack the resources to help children succeed. many classroom alphabets only go up to "r." a rue ragedy. nation, if we want to help poor students excel, we need to invest in more teachers, better resources, and newer facilities. in other words, they're screwed. ( laughter ) but there may be a way to help underprivileged kids reach their full potential without wasting taxpayer money to do it, and it brings us to tonight's word. ( cheers and applause ) meducation. folks, we have tried everything to improve our public schools. no child left behind, race to the top, but one thing we've
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overlooked is the most obvious answer of all-- wonder drugs. but one doctor, one doctor out there is trying. dr. michael anderson of canton, georgia, has begun prescribing kids adderral who have not been diagnosed with a.d.h.d. he's doing it just to treat their poor academic performance in inadequate schools. shocking. there are children in america who haven't been diagnosed with a.d.h.d. ( cheers and applause ) now, for those, for those out there who say this is prescribing a powerful drug for kids who do not have the condition it treats, dr. anderson has a reassuring answer. "i don't have a whole lot of choice. we've decide as a society it's too expensive to modify the kids' environment, so we have to modify the kids."
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i have always been in favor of fixing society's problems by modifying children. ( laughter ) i mean, for one thing, we would not have so much crime if we just gave kids legal immunity and replaced their warms plasma cannons. the point is, students thrive when they get personal attention, and since we can't afford all the teachers it would take to give them that attention, we'll give them a pill that helps them pay attention. i just hope they don't pay attention to how little attention we're giving them. and don't worry. don't worry, folks. adderral helps kids focus. not because it's some amphetamine. because it's a combination of four amphetamines. it's like the colonel's secret recipe for speed ( laughter ) folks, i believe this is a great fiscally responsible answer, but we can do more. i mean, we might be cutting arts
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programs, but one tap of acid, and your kid will be seeing colors you can't find in a crayola box. ( laughter ) ( applause ) of course with anything having to do with school, the real problem starts at home. many children feel unwanted and unloved. but once they're on ecstasy, they'll get all the nurturing they could ever want just by nuzz ling the door mat. ( laughter ). now, of course, eventually, it may turn out that drugging poor student creates more problems than it solves. in which case, we'll have to stop trying to change our children and think about changing ourselves. ( laughter ) ( applause ) .
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i feel better about failing our kids already. that's the word. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. folks, listen up, everybody, i want you to never forget-- please, please. you gotta hear this. folks. never forget that fear is just a
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state of mind. a crippling state of mind that could kill you. this is the threat-down. ( siren ) folks, for years i've warned you that bears are godless killing machines. now, there is proof that they've never even heard of thou shalt not steal. >> call the on video, a bear stealing a man's ipad in the woods. cameras were role when the bear casually nabbed the backpack but an ipad was inside the backpack. >> stephen: thanks ray lot, bear. you ruined a perfectly good afternoon of watching porn at the lake. which brings me to threat number three, apple fan-bears. information the only thing worse than being mauled by a grizz, is being mauled by a grizz halfway through fruit ninja.
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put that thing down for five minute's, for god's sake, eat me. while you haver face timing you could be eating my face. after they finish eating us they'll post ?arking review on yelp. gamey tiny portions, atmosphere screamy. would not eat them. again. ( applause ) ( cheers ) oh, and good luck holding a spot in line for the next iphone launch. ( laughter ) next up, for years, i have been saying we conot need alternative energy any more than we need alternative lifestyles. it's adam and eve, not adam and wind turbines. ( laughter ) well now, the echo-nuts have gone too far. >> alcohol could be the key to lowering gas prices. a distillery in scott lant is creating biofeel out of whiskey
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leftovers. the biofuel with a kick would be used in any unmodified car or truck on the road. >> stephen: which brings me to threat number two-- drunk cars. arlet me get this straight eye can't text while driving but my audi can get hammered. this means when i go out, my car will need its own designated car. ( laughter ). finally, the number one threat to america, bears. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) nation, i try to give you the latest warnings about these marawders. for instance btwo minutes ago, they've invade our forests, our zoos, our country jamborees. and now this. >> it was right before 9:00 p.m. when a 120-pound female black bear cub was spotted inside the
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sears at pittsburgh mills mall. >> the they said there's a bear and we look at each other and run out. >> stephen: that is unbelievable. ( laughter ) people still shop at sears. and, folks, a second incident proves that bears are casing the pittsburgh mills mall. >> 911 dispatchers tell us that a larger bear was later spotted just before midnight by the olive garden restaurant at the pittsburgh mills mall. >> stephen: oh, the bear bearse clearly on to us. they know we can't shoot them at the olive garden because when you're there, you're family. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and at our malls, we are at our most vulnerable. we've all seen bears waiting at the top of a water fall pick off unsuspecting salmon. ( laughter ). soon thel thael be doing the same thing at the top of the
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escalator. the only place bears belong in our malls is when we eat them at panda express. ( laughter ) i assume that's what the meat is. our only hope of getting these bears out of our malls is to first tranquilize them with heavy sedatives so, someone, please lead them to a cinnabon.
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has written a new biography about the vagina. i'll ask fireally have to read the-- in i really have to read the forward before i jump in. please welcome naomi wolf ( cheers and applause ) good to see you again. thanks for coming back. okey-dokey. last tight you were here five years ago. >> yeah. >> stephen: you were here-- you were here for the book "the end of america." okay. at the time you were like jeremiah on the mountain telling us we were just a couple of years away from a totalitarian police state that would crush all of our rights. how did you stop it? ( laughter ) >> well, we had a lot of help. >> stephen: now we have a socialist country. ( laughter ) >> you know, on the left and on the right, people want to crush liberty. we always see the same thing. so i don't think any party has a monopoly on bad behavior. >> stephen: it doesn't matter who we elect.
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then we should probably vote for romney. >> i didn't actually say that. >> stephen: well, kind of. >> what matters is the constitution, in my book gli understand, okay. speaking of books, you have a new one here. it's called "vagina: a new biography. of thbiography. >> yes it is. >> stephen: i have no problem with that. i'm a mature adult, vagina, vavina, vagina. >> this is excellent. people blush is there not me. >> i'm proud of you. >> stephen: how's the vagina? >> well... ( cheers and applause ) it's a fair question. >> stephen: it is a fair question. >> it's a fire question. >> stephen: it's the first question, really. >> it's an ideal question. it turns out it's not doing as well as it should in our culture. >> stephen: really? >> yes, indeed, and this won't surprise a lot of people. 40 years into the sexual revolution-- quote, unquote-- there's porn everywhere, there's
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sexual information everywhere, but 30% of women self-report as a problem for them that they have low sexual desire and another 30%, some of the same women, some different, that it's a problem that they don't reach orgasm when they want to. >> stephen: what's the down side of not giving your vagina the attention it deserves? >> i will tell you. i am here to tell you that. >> stephen: is there a down side? for me-- the one thing i have to say that the vagina has is mystery. >> it does have mystery. >> stephen: okay, it's mystery. do we want to really dispel the mystery. it's like a dan brown novel. you know? ( laughter ) in that-- in that-- in that the pope is the bad guy in both stories. ( laughter ). ( applause ) ( cheers ) and i don't-- i don't know how tom hanks fits in, but we'll figure it out. >> well, this-- pardon me-- mystery and romance are good
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things but not knowing basics about our anatomy and sexual response because of outdated ideas are not so good. we still talk about the clitoris, and the g-spot. >> stephen: i rarely do. >> a lot of people are actually on the edges of their seats wanting to know what is coming next so i'm going to tell you, whether you like it or not. anatomists have found a new neural arm in the swearior wall of the female pelvis -- >> stephen: there's a whole arm in there. >> it's a horrible expression. it's a horrible expression. anyway, there's a neural structure, the north of it is the clitoris, the south of it is the g-spot. that's one structure. but over 90% of women in lab conditions with strangers, reached orgasm when both of these were stimulated at the same time. >> stephen: really? okay? with strangers? ( laughter ) so where is this lab? ( laughter ). >> stephen: do they need
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volunteers? now, actually-- you went to somebody-- part of your research you visited what is called a vagina healer. >> well, he didn't call himself that. but as a reporter i did enterview a guy who is aitant rick heal who are has incredible outcomes for women who have difficulty reaching orgasm, sexual trauma. what he's doing is very, very successful. >> stephen: what's he doing? >> well, i will tell you. >> stephen: well, you're taking your time. ( laughter ). >> it turns out, that a lot of things are not right in our cultured script about sex. >> stephen: naomi? >> yes. >> stephen: what did mike do? >> well, among other things, you don't believe this, but he trains men to do what he calls spot massage for an hour and a half. and i'm like do these people not have jobs? do they not have children? >> stephen: exactly, do you pay this guy? >> i did not pay. i was a reporter.
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i learned a lot from him. >> stephen: okay, so, he just does this out of the goodness on his heart? like it says on the side of my van. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i'm the vagina whisperer. ( laughter ) i love it. i just do. naomi, thank you so much. naomi wolf. "vagina: a new biography. of wiebt. ( cheers a u?u
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